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Footenstein

Boy, if you're really into board games and really into feet, then do I have the game for you.

You know, before we get into the details, I have to ask...for all those toys out there that release doll heads one can model and makeover, why hasn't the same been done for hands or feet? I mean, it's okay to release a plastic head with a wig on it that some little girl can play hairdresser with, but not okay to release a plastic hand or foot for the other little girl who wants to learn how to paint nails and trim cuticles? Doesn't seem fair. And I'm not even a foot person, feet disgust me, I'm just looking at this from a practical point of view. Stop ignoring the girls who don't wanna style hair!

Anyway, release in 1988 by Coleco of all companies, Footenstein is an extremely basic concept. The object of the game is to simply remove all the bolts from the foot one by one using the "mad scientist wrench" that's been included. One wrong move, and the foot comes alive! Players are eliminated if they cause the foot to move, and there are even several difficulty levels you can set it to. Don't ask me how that works, because, sadly, I don't have the information and I can't even fathom it. This is such a weird concept for a game. First of all, there's a foot. But that foot belongs to a corpse. But if you screw up, the foot can come back to life! I've never been one to understand the threatening nature of an appendage. How much damage can a disembodied foot actually do? What's it gonna do, kick you?

It's like a grosser, foot focused Operation, honestly.

All that being said, the font for the title, the box design, and the foot itself are all really spectacularly designed. Regardless of how friggin weird the game itself might be in concept, the design work on display here is anything but shoddy. I for one especially love the castle in the background, giving it an almost Translyvanian feel (even though this isn't about Dracula or Dracula's pedicures) while the foot itself, and I can't believe I'm even saying this, is extremely well sculpted, painted and designed. The bolts inserted proper are a little lackluster, and the red color choice is a little strange though I suppose it does pop against the faded peasoup green of this Frankenfoot. Actually, why didn't they just call this Frankenfoot? Much better than Footenstein. Hmmm. Perhaps I should get my lawyers on the phone, once I hire some.

But, as with many board games, it too would eventually get a refresh, including a new foot design - that's a weird sentence - and new box art and font, none of which are remotely close to the excellent work done on the original. For one thing, the color of the foot now resembles that of Grimace, and he appears to have a compass attached to the top now for some reason. Not only that, but the font for the title is just...I mean, it's kind of cool that they made the T's into bolts, but that's about all I can really say in its defense. There's also now no awesome castle in the background. I just am a fan of old creepy castles, and I will not stand for this castle erasure.

But I think the foot coloration in this remake is really what bothers me the most. Before, it at least resembled a re-animated corpse foot, now it just looks like foot that's gone through hypothermia and has toxic green nailpolish. It's really a stepdown, design wise, overall.

I can't claim that Footenstein is fun, because I've never played it, but if it's anything like the games it's trying to clearly imitate, Operation specifically, I would imagine you could probably squeeze about two or three funs out of this maybe, for a half hour or so. But it doesn't really lend itself much to replayability, especially since it seems to only be playable with two people. Games like Monopoly work because of the scope of players that can be involved. Two players is barely a game. Also, it's weird that it's for ages 6 and up, as if pulling metal out of flesh is fun for the ten and under crowd. Then again, I guess I would've found some kind of perverse fun from that at that age, but I don't think my weird ass speaks for everyone.

Footenstein is just another in a long line of barely board games, and yet it continues the tried and true tradition seen on this blog of incorporating spooky themes. Again, I have to ask, why are there so many spooky themed board games? I guess kids like to be scared. Horror adjacent board games are one of the mysteries I hope to eventually solve on this blog, but, let's be real, nothing's going to be solved on this blog. Especially not my financial mysteries at failing at making income doing this. In all honesty, I think the foot from Footenstein works better as a weird decorative prop around the home than an actual thing to be played with, but then that opens you up to a whole other world of questions from curious guests, questions such as, "what is this even from?" and "why do you have this?" and "how's your therapy going, really?"

As far as what Coleco will be remembered for in the long run (as if we're not already in the long run), I highly doubt Footenstein will be one of them, but hey, you gotta appreciate anyone who tries anything different, even if it is kind of disgusting.

I don't even wanna touch my own feet, let alone the sentient feet of some weird re-animated corpse.

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