Shark Attack & Shark Attack Bowling

Why is it such a shared experience we have as children that we think sharks are everywhere?

When I was a little girl, I just assumed sharks were in pools, lakes, the bathtub. I was absolutely terrified of water. Was it because we all saw "Jaws" at too young an age and it made an everlasting impression on us? Whatever the case may be, it seems that kids and sharks go hand in fin, and it makes sense why a lot of kids toys are (or at least were when I was a child) shark based. But never before have I seen a shark based board game, so leave it to Milton Bradley to craft yet another inexplicable combination that shouldn't work but somehow does.

Shark Attack is a board game released by Milton Bradley in 1988, designed by Eddie Goldfarb and art by Chuck Slack, two men who sound more like they're ordinary good boys who fell in with the mob through a series of comical misadventures rather than board game designers. The description of the board game is as follows:

It's a race! And a chase! And a swim-for-your-life escape! You are one of four little fish that encounter a shark with a ferocious appetite. You've got to move--and move fast! Roll the dice and move your fish. But watch out! If you're not fast enough, the motorized shark creeps up behind and swallows your fish. You're out of the game. The last fish to escape the shark's bite wins the game.

Because nothing screams "good, quality, kid friendly fun" like leaving your friends to die by being eaten by a shark. Okay, they aren't really your friends, they're just other fish, but still. The idea is the same. Every fish for himself. I have to admit, being eaten alive is another deep seeded terror of mine.

And it looks like it's a common fear, considering the faces of these poor unfortunate souls on the back of the box. Those kids are anything but happy. Oh sure, they've put a smiling face on for the camera, but deep inside they're now questioning the loyalty of everyone they once considered a friend; "would Billy really let me be eaten by a shark?" You bet your ass he would, Rachel. Billy cares for nobody but Billy. All joking aside, it's actually a pretty cool and original idea. Much like other board games that utilize mechanical components, Shark Attack is a game that also features a mechanical component, the shark himself. Let's perhaps get a closer look at this bad boy of the ocean.

First off, let's just admit this right out the gate, this isn't so much a board as it is a merry go round of death. I mean, it's circular, and the only way to make any progress is to continually go around until all the other players have been inevitably eaten by the shark. There's no cards, there's no strategy, it's just survival of the fittest, or in this case, survival of the fishest.

...I'll see myself out.

But seriously, this is about as much of a "board game" as say "Hungry Hungry Hippos" is. Some games really walk that fine line between being a toy and a game, and I think Shark Attack is one of those. Because while it does have a board and dice and player tokens, it's also more of a toy in a way. It fits the criteria of some, but not all, required for both parties. Still, a neat idea, and I can't really think of anything else like it. But you know what's even worse than being eaten by a shark? Being caught by a shark and having your corpse be turned into bowling pins.

That's right, it's our first week back in a year and we're going for the rare twofer. Enter Shark Attack Bowling!

In an odd twist on the original, Shark Attack Bowling takes an even harder turn into the "toy" category moreso than the "board game" category, but I still think it deserves an honorable mention here because who wouldn't wanna bowl with a shark? This is, honestly, an even more disturbing idea than just the original, because while the original was bad enough (sharks eat you and your friends) this one is on another level (sharks use you and your friends decomposing fish bodies as bowling pins), and for that reason alone, I love that it exists.

You wanna hear a secret? I used to be an expert bowler. I wasn't in a league or anything, but for a long time I went bowling quite regularly and was quite good at it. I miss it terribly, honestly, and I'm not even a very athletic woman, which is the weirdest part. What's funny to me is how, despite not liking sports, I absolutely love toys like Gator Golf and stuff like Shark Attack Bowling. There's just something about a sport being dumbed down enough for kids that makes it all the more appealing, and perhaps that's because it gives into the inherent weirdness already within the concept of sports.

Also, I'm pretty sure they used the same shark model from the last game for the shark model in this one, which is great. Consistency. Not to mention the box art for both these games are excellent. Just cartoony enough not to be unsettling, and still somewhat horrifying simply because of the idea. But the colors are great too, especially that yellow "Shark Attack!" logo on the seafoam green background. Perfection in color matching, if you ask me.

Unlike its predecessor, this followup has no designer or artist that I can find, which isn't really surprising, since there isn't much to design here to begin with. Really they just took the player tokens and blew them up to a larger scale. I'd love to know who did the box art, but alas, I cannot find any of that sort of information. A description of the game follows as such:

This is a simple bowling game in which players take turns winding up a motorized shark and aiming it at six fish-shaped pins placed 2.5 to 3 meters away (8-10 ft) on a hard floor. The motor is built such that the shark starts by moving slowly, but then quickly lunges forward. A steering dial on the shark allows for hooks.

The way this is designed is actually kind of interesting if you ask me.When the box explicitly stated that it didn't require batteries, I was somewhat, admittedly, confused. How do you have a motorized toy without some source of power? For some reason, perhaps it's because we're in the future and I'm 32 now and my memory has gone to shit, I completely forgot about actual motorization as a concept entirely. Wind up toys were all the rage when I was a kid, and long before that too, but I can't say I honestly know of a board game that has used a motorized wind up aspect because, and that makes Shark Attack Bowling pretty darn unique really. I actually would like to get my hands on this and play around with it.

But you know what my absolute favorite part of all of this is? The back of the box for Shark Attack Bowling.

Mostly for the very simple reason that they used the phrase, "Just when you thought it was safe to go bowling...". They took the famous quote from Jaws and repurposed it to make children fear...bowling? Look, of all the sports you can play, I'm pretty sure Bowling is the least worrisome when it comes to harming oneself or being harmed by others. Every single day children ram their heads against one another in poorly designed helmets for the sake of Football while other children are beaned in the face by a foul pitch in Little League Baseball, and yet you're seriously trying to emphasize the dangers of Bowling?

What's the worst that could happen? You smash your toe with a ball? Okay, that hurts, sure, I've done it. But that's nothing compared to fractured jaws and head injuries. A baseball once exploded a bird. Let me repeat that because I feel it's extremely important for my point. A baseball...once exploded....a bird. In 2001, a pitch thrown by Randy Johnson during a spring training game against The San Francisco Giants in Arizona threw a pitch that was around 100mph that hit a mourning dove (the irony is off the scales here) and exploded it, and this was all caught on camera, the clips of which have been viewed millions of times on Youtube since their uploading. So I reiterate once again...a baseball once exploded a bird...

...and you're trying to make Bowling look scary while you let your kids play Baseball? I'm sorry but I don't buy it. Obviously Shark Attack Bowling would be scary if it were real, because, well, there's sharks involved, and you're the pin, but Bowling itself isn't dangerous.

But that phrase on the back of the box made me laugh like a loon for a good 5 minutes solid.

That's what I call successful design work.