Squatter

You want to play a board game that might help you fall asleep? Then Squatter is the game for you!

Sadly not a board game about illegally living inside of buildings, Squatter is a board game about sheep herding, and according to Wikipedia, takes 1 to 2 hours to play a full game of. Designed by Robert C. Lloyd and released in 1960 - which makes sense, now that we have this information, because what the hell else are you going to do in 1960 than a play a 2 hour sheep herding board game, in Australia no less - the cover really tells all you need to know. It's about as exciting as attempting to finish this sentence with an analogy, or watching someone watch paint dry. Unsurprisingly, Board Game Geeks state this was a self published game, which is actually somewhat impressive given the time period. But hey, you wanna see the biggest box to board difference in the history of board games? Okay. Check this out.

Scope this dope ass mother fucker out. Isn't that just the coolest most eye catching board you've ever seen? Now isn't it weird how that board is inside of that box? That box is the physical embodiment of the word milquetoast, meanwhile this board gets pussy at the club every night. It looks very similar to Monopoly in its setup, but in execution it's likely nothing like Monopoly. But let's have an actual description of gameplay, shall we?

Here's a very sadly in depth description from Board Game Geeks about this absolute gem of the masterpiece.

Each player starts with a sheep station, consisting of 5 Natural Pasture paddocks, fully stocked with 3,000 sheep. The player must improve the Station, in order to stock more sheep, first by paying the cost of Improved Pasture, and then Irrigated Pasture. The first player to have 6,000 sheep on a completely irrigated farm is the winner. The money needed to improve the Station, to buy the extra sheep and cover other expenses occurred when moving round the board is earned mainly from shrewd buying and selling of sheep, and from the sale of wool from sheep owned by the player at the time he reaches the 'Wool Sale'.

Sounds like The Sims mixed with Oregon Trail, if I'm being honest. Which isn't exactly a terrible combination, but it would have to be done the right way and frankly this sounds about as much fun as chewing on nails. Perhaps if you're in this line of work, it'd appeal more to you, but who would spend their entire day sheep herding, then go home and think, "I want to play a board game that emulates my day job?" A masochist, that's fucking who. But where the box falters, I can't talk too poorly about the board. It's pretty top notch design wise. The colors really make it pop, and its layout - even if Monopoly inspired - is pretty good, even if the artist is unknown. But really, the box is what is meant to grab ones attention in order to get bought and played and I'm sorry but, whether it's the one I showed you or any of the upcoming variants you're about to see, there's simply no way to make sheep herding look exciting.

Doesn't make it any more exciting to see it from the opposite angle. Still sheep herding. Though now you have a QR code on the box, and mobile video instructions to make it easy to learn and play! This thing is apparently still a hit in Australia even today. I guess all the animals trying to kill them wasn't enough, even their own entertainment is meant to be murderous.

And again, same as the first, but now with two cowboys! And, to be fair, far nicer scenery. But it's still fucking sheep herding. There's still nothing exciting about this.

Look, I've talked time and time again about how I'm appreciative of anyone willing to take a risk and do something nobody would ever think to do when it comes to creative endeavors, but I think "Squatter" might be the exception. Sometimes your idea really isn't that worth that effort. I don't like badmouthing anyone who puts even the bare minimum of effort into something, and the board clearly had a lot of effort put into it, but these boxes are as dull as week old dishwater, and frankly have the same color as well. Why the boxes are so bland but the board is so bright is a mystery no one will likely ever be able to solve. In fact, I'd be willing to argue that actually herding sheep in person would be more fun than playing this game based around herding sheep. At least the you get to hang out with actual sheep. Sheep are cool, man.

Interestingly enough however is that the game has been added to the collections Australian Stockman's Hall of Fame and Outback Centre as well as the National Wool Museum and the National Museum of Australia where in the Statement of Significance it quotes:

"'Squatter's' focus on sheep farming reflects the inextricable link between this industry and Australian history more broadly." and "The 'Squatter' boardgame, which has been a household favourite in Australia for 45 years, offers players a rough simulation of life as a sheep farmer with all the daily trials and tribulations this entails."

Seems there's a whole lot of people who are desperate enough for any kind of entertainment.

So that's Squatter.

Sorry there isn't much more to talk about in regards to it, but I guess it only has itself to blame for being so unapologetically bland. Perhaps if it had had the guts to be something - anything - even more remotely interesting than simply simulated sheep herding, I'd have more to make a post out of it, but them's the breaks. Still, even in spite of its ridiculousness, it warrants being discussed and remembered, if for nothing else than as an example of how not to make a board game.

Trust me you guys...not every idea deserves a physical representation.