Mystery Date

Mystery Date is a board game circa 1965 from the Milton Bradley company, conceived by none other than the man who's become this blogs apparent nemesis, Marvin Glass, and created by Henry Stan. A confusing contradiction, as "conceived" often means "created", so I'm not sure how to parse that exactly, but whatever. It's marketed to girls 6 to 14 years of age, and is overall a fairly popular board game in pop culture, often showing up as a trope or reference in things.

Basically the object of the game is to acquire a desirable date from a group of men, all while avoiding "the dud". These men include the Formal Dance date, the Bowling Date, the Skiing Date and the Beach Date. I'm unsure what kind of climate the people in this game live in, because if you're able to go skiing, that means it's too cold to go to the beach, so unless they live in something akin to Springfield, their temperatures make no sense whatsoever. But why nitpick a game this outdated. Hilariously enough, the "dud" as he was called, wears sloppy attire, has tousled hair and sports a beard shadow. This means that today he'd be the ideal candidate for a date. He probably owns stock in a tech startup or something or maybe is in a local rock band.

It should also be noted that if the players outfit does not match the date behind the door, the door is closed and play continues.

I'm so glad to know that all relationships are decided based on arbitrary fashion decisions. How else would we know who we're perfect for, really? Thank goodness we have the clothing industry to lead us in our shallow, misguided efforts to attract someone purely because they have the same sweater we do. That being said, anyone who shows up wearing something like crocs would be an instant no, so maybe they're onto something here.

I never played Mystery Date as a child, but if they'd made a lesbian version of it, I probably would've played the shit out of that. That would've been amazing, though perhaps a tad suspicious to the parents of any youngsters out there to see it in the closet among the other games, though the irony of it being in a closet is not lost on me, I assure you. Either way, I really had no interest in dating until I was in my late teens as it were anyway, so Mystery Date just wasn't a game any of us in my household played. But there's something else about Mystery Date that bothers me, and that is the fact that, for a long while anyway, almost all girl games were based around young girl activities or things perceived to be for girls. Mystery Date, because girls love to date! Romance is for the ladies! Or, another example for a game that'll end up here eventually would be Electronic Mall Madness, because you know how those girls love the mall! Bitches be shoppin'.

Boys got all the cool shit. I mean, I recognize that board games are not inherently gendered or often targeted towards a specific demographic or whatever, but the fact remains that all the ones that were targeted primarily to young girls were almost all based on stereotypes that they think about girls. These games were often created by middle aged men in a marketing group who think they knew teenage girls, hence why they're often so absolutely out of touch with reality. And the list is endless.

Mystery Date, Electronic Mall Madness, Bachelorette Party (admittedly this one could be for older women but still), Electronic Dream Phone, Girl Talk, Hearthrob, and of course What Shall I Be which is touted as the exciting game of career girls, which I will also definitely feature sometime in the future. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Notice though how many of these, the overwhelming majority honestly, center around or focus on the notion of romance or shopping. Apparently those are the only two interests young women have. Can confirm. Am young woman. This is ludicrous and it makes me mad, because while boys got to play things like Fireball Island, girls were stuck with Electronic Dream Phone, because you know how them girls always be talkin' on the phone. We just don't get enough of that gossip.

A lot of people would claim the games are outdated and sexist, and sure, they wouldn't be wrong, but that's also a broad generalization. If anything, their real crime is being flat out borderline boring. Why the fuck would I wanna pretend to talk on a phone to someone else when I could play something like Twister? Twister is way more engaging than a pretend conversation with a pre-recorded voice. I wouldn't be so offended if these games at least had more depth to them, but they don't, they're so fucking surface level and that's the real problem. Because to market something so seemingly shallow and basic to young girls means you think young girls are shallow and basic. The insinuation is right in front of you. It isn't subtext, it's text.

I know I must sound like a raging feminist, and while the feminist part isn't wrong, that isn't why I'm raging, I assure you. I'm raging because I'm irritated at the complete and utter lack of creativity to these games. Yes, I recognize that all these things are just for good clean fun, wholesome entertainment, but the ideas behind them, the preconceived notions by the people who made them, is what angers me. Sure, I love my girlfriend and sure I enjoy shopping, but they by far aren't the only - nor anywhere near the most interesting - facets of my fucking personality.

Now maybe if Mystery Date had a variation where you killed said date and the other players had to figure out who did it, thus making it a mystery, I'd be more interested. But until that time comes, I'll just die on this hill I suppose.